Sometimes life sucks.
I can hear my moma’s voice right now… “How can such an ugly word come out of such a beautiful mouth?”
Well, that is the point really because sometimes life is so bad that, “life stinks” just doesn’t cut it.
Sometimes life sucks.
Like when you watch your baby brother throw up the little bit of phlegm that is in his stomach, all the while a feeding tube is in his nose.
Like when you watch your sister-in-law divide time between her 13 month old and her husband, while she wonders if she is making the right decision no matter where she is.
Like when you hear over and over how people are being affected by the faith of your family, all the while you are so angry with the Lord for allowing this to continue when all it would take is one single word from His mouth and Jeremiah would be completely restored.
Yea, sometimes life sucks.
It doesn’t help much that everywhere I look there are Christmas trees and pretty sparkly things. Presents seem as rampant as the happy families creating memories all around me. I don’t expect people’s lives to stop. I don’t expect Christmas to just not happen this year because we will be in the hospital, it just makes this all the more difficult.
And then I wonder…I’ve been wondering a lot lately.
Even in the midst of my anger I know that God has not forgotten us. Even in the midst of my anger I know that God can handle it and is not wounded or scared by it. He is big enough to handle the anger of little ‘ole me. Even in the midst of my anger I know God to be who He has always been to me; who He says He is.
He could say one word and Jeremiah would stand up from that hospital bed and run home to us in time for Christmas. I believe that with every fiber of my being.
Because He hasn’t done that He must intend this time for something else, which leads me to the question of what He is trying to teach me.
I imagine it wasn’t the best day of Mary’s life when she found out she was going to be impregnated by the Holy Spirit of God. A teenage girl who was engaged to be married; a virgin. How on earth would anyone believe her? Picturing yourself being stoned to death would be pretty frightening and even though she believed God to be who He said he was, I can’t imagine that she wouldn’t have thought about that possibility at least once. How many times did she cry herself to sleep?
On the other hand, look what she got to be a part of! It’s incredible, really.
God is a God of process.
Can you picture Joseph’s face when he found out Mary was pregnant? It pains me to even go there. That moment when he thinks he has been betrayed by the woman he was busy building a life for. What despair. What anger. I’m sure he shared my earlier sentiment of life not always being wonderful. He was going to have to quietly end things with her. Yes, maybe if it ended quietly the religious leaders wouldn’t order her to be stoned. Even hurt and angry he wanted to protect her. Then he learned the truth.
As outrageous as it sounded he chose to believe that God was who He said He was and look what he got to be a part of. He was the earthly father of the Son of God! It’s incredible.
God is a God of process.
There He was, Jesus, the Son of God, Savior of the world, on the cross. How did this happen? His earthly ministry had reached its pinnacle just a week before. The people loved Him and those same, fickle people demanded he be killed within seven days of his arrival to Jerusalem. “Sometimes life sucks” would have been the understatement of the millennium in the shadow of the cross.
Then he rose from the dead. Look at what He did for all of mankind. Look at Who He is and where He is; where He will be for all of eternity. At the right hand of God, being worshiped for His holiness…it is beyond incredible.
God is a God of process.
Without the fear of Mary and the despair and anger of Joseph we wouldn’t have the cross of Christ and without the cross of Christ we wouldn’t have the opportunity of eternity with God the Father.
If I’m being completely honest I would tell you that I really wish God was using another process to teach me what He wants to at this point of my life. A process that didn’t include my brother hooked up to machines that are cleaning his blood out of his own antibodies that just one day decided to attack his brain. A process that didn’t include my family being separated from one another this holiday season. A process that didn’t include wringing me out in all ways possible where I am left to fight the enemy of my soul from stealing anything else that the Lord has deposited in me during this season.
But He is God and I am not.
I wouldn’t have chosen His process of bringing Salvation to the world either and then where would we be…
So what will be the end of this process for us?
I have no idea, but this is what I am believing, even through my anger, for…
Jeremiah will be restored to full health.
Our family will see increased closeness and a bond nothing can touch.
Untold numbers of people will come to a saving knowledge of Jesus in and through the life and healing of my brother.
A marriage that will be a light and a testimony of God’s grace and faithfulness for my brother and sister-in-law. He will honor and uphold her for her devotion and commitment to her husband!
A grandpa/father/son relationship that will speak of the Father’s love for His Son and the Son’s adoration for His Father in the life of my daddy, Jeremiah, and little Gabe.
Christmases upon Christmases filled with laughter, Christmas caroling with the little ones, wonder, joy, and awe of what God has done in us and through us.
A friendship and brotherhood that speaks of loyalty and protection for my brother and my husband, who hasn’t yet arrived.
A passion for my sister to serve her patients and their families with an empathy and compassion she wouldn’t have had without this.
That first meal around my moma’s kitchen table that we all sit down to together…that moment for her, when all her children are under the same roof…she loves those moments.
But until then, while the process is in process, I will trust.
Even through the anger, I will trust.
I will believe He is who He says He is and I will believe that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Even walk through this process well.
It would be easy to quote some Scripture to you but that would only sound self-righteous, and besides, you probably know the Scriptures better than I do.
I understand when you say that sometimes life sucks. Yeah, it does.
But saying that alone doesn’t change anything, although it might make you feel better for few minutes. Ultimately we have to come back to God, and you are doing that.
Do you believe that God has you right now right where He wants you? It is only when we surrender ourselves. and come to the pure belief that God is responsible for His people for His own Name’s sake, that God will move mountains to prove that He is faithful and that His word is sure.
You see, God already knows that sometimes life sucks. We don’t need to tell Him or anyone else. Everybody knows that!
But it is exactly at this point, when life sucks, that we need to believe Him, not just give mental assent to what God could do or would do or might do, but what He has promised to do for those who believe His word.
OK, I will quote a Scripture: “And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.” -Hebrews 11:6
Kathryn, stay with the program. Don’t be afraid to remind God about His promises (see John 16:23) and then stand back and see what happens.
Thank you for your comment and the encouragement.
It didn’t occur to me until I read your comment that this might be a total downer for people and not at all Christmasy in the traditional sense but life is messy and the best way I process is to write it out.
I do believe that God has me right where He wants me right now, in this season, but most of the time, while that may make me feel better it doesn’t make it any easier. There is nothing about this season that is easy.
In November, before we had a diagnosis, I was processing out loud with a dear friend. He let me get it all out and then he said something I will never forget. He told me not to “doctorinalize” my feelings on this. My family is in the middle of one of the worse health crisis’ we have ever seen and while God remains good and ever faithful I must remain authentic in this process. As a leader, I am required to remain authentic and in Christ I have permission to do so.
Thank you for reminding me to hold onto His promises. That has been one of our words for the last two years but it is easy to forget when the enemy kicks us while we are down.
This kind of makes me think of some of the times I’ve been angry with my own (earthly) father – not so much AT him but TOWARD him. It’s usually not something he did, but something someone else did, and he just happened to be in the way when I got mad. And (although sometimes he, for some reason, eggs me on just because it amuses him) most of the time he just holds on to me and lets me scream it out, even though he doesn’t deserve it at all, just because he knows that’s what I need at the time.
I see that as one of the many roles that God the Father takes on as well. He’s strong and smart, and He knows that when you’re angry and screaming, you’re not mad at him; you’re just mad at circumstances and at the world and at the vagaries of the human immune system, and He happens to be a convenient target. He’s there for you when you need to be angry, and He’s there for you afterward when you need someone to hold onto while you catch your breath.
The Boy likes to say that “I hate you” isn’t the worst thing a person can say – “I nothing you” is. Even when you yell at God, it doesn’t mean you’ve lost faith, because you’re still, in a way, trusting in His strength to take it. Even Jesus yelled at his dad in the garden.
So, yeah, I’m still going to be affected by your faith in these trying times. HA! Take THAT!
Ann, stay affected…I want you to. I really do. That is one of the few bright spots of this for me right now. Sometimes I just feel like a fraud which is one of the reasons I needed to be honest about where I have been the last week and a half.
As a disclaimer for everyone…I hardly ever write anything when I am in the midst of an intense emotion. I can’t settle long enough when I am there to have a clear concise thought, mush less piece sentences together. So when I write, most of the time I am on the tail end of the emotion. This season of writing is helping make sense of everything the Lord is teaching me in and through those emotions. In layman’s terms, I’m not so angry with the Lord anymore; angry at the enemy for sure but not at the Lord. Frustrated, maybe a little wounded, but not angry.
This was beautifully written. I think we’ve all been in a place like that at one time or another, where we realize that life does suck sometimes.
Just wanted to say I love you. And we’re still praying.
I may share your post with some others I know who are walking through a difficult situation right now.
I’m here if you need me.
[...] Thankfully I don’t have to forget. With the Holy Spirit’s whispered reminders and now the reminder that hangs daily from my neck. A piece of jewelry that is intensely personal and has helped heal a place in my spirit that was left ravaged by the terror of the Fall. [...]