In January I mentioned that I was hoping to be finished with my book by April and here it is August.
I make myself laugh so often that I know I must leave the Lord in stitches with what I think the calendar of my life should look like.
Writing this book has been such a journey for me and I am continuing to learn that it is not up to me to decide when the journey is over.
It’s a daughter’s journey to take, not to dictate.
The journey has taken me places I never would have volunteered for but for the first time in nine months I can honestly say I’m glad He made me go.
I’m one section away from the end of the book. It’s about how He loves us…somehow it’s been the hardest part to write. I’m not going to force it. It will come as organically as the rest but it’s been bubbling up in me for about 3 weeks and I feel it coming to the surface…
…which leaves me terrified. A good terrified, but terrified nonetheless.
I’ve honestly never been able to see anything more than I can see where this finished book will take me. But then I remind myself what I have written and something in me screams, “You don’t want the whole world to know all of those things!”
I may not, but the Lord does and if, nine months after my brother got sick I can say, I’m glad He took me there, then I have to believe that no matter where this journey takes me, I’ll be glad. Even if the world hates me and no on calls with a “Yes, we’d be glad to publish your book”, even then, at some point, I’ll be glad.
I’ve been thinking about What and Who the Lord is to me lately and I think that this quote from Donald Miller pretty much sums it up for me.
“‘I AM.’ Climbing inside letters, God explains, I encompass, I am beyond existence, I am nothing you will understand, I have no beginning and no end, I am not like you, and yet I AM.”
It says it all.
But how can that be?
It tells us nothing.
It tells us everything.
What I love about His I AMness is that it meets us on levels that are intimate to our hearts and our brokenness. His I AMness is so complete and full that it fills every unique void a person ever has.
I AM, the Faithful One who remains faithful even as I am as faithless in my sin and unbelief as Gomer. Instead of pointing out my faithlessness at every turn, He forgives and restores me at the place of my brokenness.
I AM, the God who allows still scares me a little. He is so all encompassing; far reaching. The God who allows doesn’t have to explain Himself to anyone. He doesn’t have to answer questions of “Why”. He allows His Will to be worked out in our lives and that Will might bring joy or it might bring pain and still, He allows.
I AM, the Love Who will never let me go has been huge for me as of late. I picture in my head one of the little boys I nannied who would constantly run away from me. I would be holding his hand at the park and he would let go of my hand and just run. Pretty soon I stopped relying on his holding my hand and I started holding his. Even when he let go of my hand I had a hold of his and he wasn’t going anywhere without tearing his shoulder out of its socket. I AM, the Love Who will never let me go holds onto me like that too. I may let go of His hand but He never lets go of mine.
I AM, the Creator who has made no mistakes in His creation. Even the things that do not make sense to me are created and allowed intentionally because He knows what I need in order to become who He always meant for me to be.
I AM, the One who waits with and for me. As I wait to be wanted by the man He has for me. I do not wait alone, because as I wait to be wanted He also waits to be wanted…by me, by you. As we have waited together over the last several years I have found that my waiting now has a meaning it never did before.
I AM, the One who makes all things new. Even the dingy, dark, filthy areas of my life I wish He knew nothing about.
I AM, the One who woos and wins me every day, pursuing me when I don’t even want to be sought after. When I long to hide from the beautiful terror that is His face, still He woos.
He climbs into three letters, two words and somehow, in His infinite I AMness, He is all things to all people.
He is…and I am made new because of it.
I have hope because He is.
I have a future because He is.
I am…because He is.
Who is He to you?
