Processing…

Sometimes life sucks.

I can hear my moma’s voice right now… “How can such an ugly word come out of such a beautiful mouth?”

Well, that is the point really because sometimes life is so bad that, “life stinks” just doesn’t cut it.

Sometimes life sucks.

Like when you watch your baby brother throw up the little bit of phlegm that is in his stomach, all the while a feeding tube is in his nose.

Like when you watch your sister-in-law divide time between her 13 month old and her husband, while she wonders if she is making the right decision no matter where she is.

Like when you hear over and over how people are being affected by the faith of your family, all the while you are so angry with the Lord for allowing this to continue when all it would take is one single word from His mouth and Jeremiah would be completely restored.

Yea, sometimes life sucks.

It doesn’t help much that everywhere I look there are Christmas trees and pretty sparkly things. Presents seem as rampant as the happy families creating memories all around me. I don’t expect people’s lives to stop. I don’t expect Christmas to just not happen this year because we will be in the hospital, it just makes this all the more difficult.

And then I wonder…I’ve been wondering a lot lately.

Even in the midst of my anger I know that God has not forgotten us. Even in the midst of my anger I know that God can handle it and is not wounded or scared by it. He is big enough to handle the anger of little ‘ole me. Even in the midst of my anger I know God to be who He has always been to me; who He says He is.

He could say one word and Jeremiah would stand up from that hospital bed and run home to us in time for Christmas. I believe that with every fiber of my being.

Because He hasn’t done that He must intend this time for something else, which leads me to the question of what He is trying to teach me.

I imagine it wasn’t the best day of Mary’s life when she found out she was going to be impregnated by the Holy Spirit of God. A teenage girl who was engaged to be married; a virgin. How on earth would anyone believe her? Picturing yourself being stoned to death would be pretty frightening and even though she believed God to be who He said he was, I can’t imagine that she wouldn’t have thought about that possibility at least once. How many times did she cry herself to sleep?

On the other hand, look what she got to be a part of! It’s incredible, really.

God is a God of process.

Can you picture Joseph’s face when he found out Mary was pregnant? It pains me to even go there. That moment when he thinks he has been betrayed by the woman he was busy building a life for. What despair. What anger. I’m sure he shared my earlier sentiment of life not always being wonderful. He was going to have to quietly end things with her. Yes, maybe if it ended quietly the religious leaders wouldn’t order her to be stoned. Even hurt and angry he wanted to protect her. Then he learned the truth.

As outrageous as it sounded he chose to believe that God was who He said He was and look what he got to be a part of. He was the earthly father of the Son of God! It’s incredible.

God is a God of process.

There He was, Jesus, the Son of God, Savior of the world, on the cross. How did this happen? His earthly ministry had reached its pinnacle just a week before. The people loved Him and those same, fickle people demanded he be killed within seven days of his arrival to Jerusalem. “Sometimes life sucks” would have been the understatement of the millennium in the shadow of the cross.

Then he rose from the dead. Look at what He did for all of mankind. Look at Who He is and where He is; where He will be for all of eternity. At the right hand of God, being worshiped for His holiness…it is beyond incredible.

God is a God of process.

Without the fear of Mary and the despair and anger of Joseph we wouldn’t have the cross of Christ and without the cross of Christ we wouldn’t have the opportunity of eternity with God the Father.

If I’m being completely honest I would tell you that I really wish God was using another process to teach me what He wants to at this point of my life. A process that didn’t include my brother hooked up to machines that are cleaning his blood out of  his own antibodies that just one day decided to attack his brain. A process that didn’t include my family being separated from one another this holiday season. A process that didn’t include wringing me out in all ways possible where I am left to fight the enemy of my soul from stealing anything else that the Lord has deposited in me during this season.

But He is God and I am not.

I wouldn’t have chosen His process of bringing Salvation to the world either and then where would we be…

So what will be the end of this process for us?

I have no idea, but this is what I am believing, even through my anger, for…

Jeremiah will be restored to full health.

Our family will see increased closeness and a bond nothing can touch.

Untold numbers of people will come to a saving knowledge of Jesus in and through the life and healing of my brother.

A marriage that will be a light and a testimony of God’s grace and faithfulness for my brother and sister-in-law. He will honor and uphold her for her devotion and commitment to her husband!

A grandpa/father/son relationship that will speak of the Father’s love for His Son and the Son’s adoration for His Father in the life of my daddy, Jeremiah, and little Gabe.

Christmases upon Christmases filled with laughter, Christmas caroling with the little ones, wonder, joy, and awe of what God has done in us and through us.

A friendship and brotherhood that speaks of loyalty and protection for my brother and my husband, who hasn’t yet arrived.

A passion for my sister to serve her patients and their families with an empathy and compassion she wouldn’t have had without this.

That first meal around my moma’s kitchen table that we all sit down to together…that moment for her, when all her children are under the same roof…she loves those moments.

But until then, while the process is in process, I will trust.

Even through the anger, I will trust.

I will believe He is who He says He is and I will believe that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Even walk through this process well.